What
are the symptoms?
| Denial |
No true peak bagger will ever accept that he\she (but much more likely “he”) suffers
from the condition because it also carries with it the label of “sad person”. The individual
in question will often concoct half-baked excuses such as: "I'm not a peak
bagger, I'm merely an
avid outdoor person who likes to climb mountains. I can stop at any time." Don't be fooled;
just look for……………. |
| The Twitch |
This develops whenever the weather forecast for the hills is set fair for the
coming weekend. This gives them the chance to tick off more hills on …………. |
| The List |
All peak baggers keep a notebook of some sort, which contains the List. The List
records successful ascents, along with supplementary data such as the date and elevation of
each climb. Typically, the peak bagger will keep the notebook underneath the mattress or at
the bottom of a sock drawer. Consistent with the denial symptom, they rarely refer to it as a
"Peak Bagging List". They call it a "climbing log" or some such euphemism. New Age peak
baggers sometimes resort to information technology (secreting the List through use of a
password instead of a mattress) and may even spend vast sums on CD ROMs with sophisticated lists. |
| The Look |
Peak baggers will usually have a far off look in their eyes, as though they are
scanning the horizon for new climbing goals. They may seem aloof a great deal of
the time and sigh a lot. The Look appears whenever they are challenged to think about non-peak subjects such as work, household
maintenance and shopping (unless this involves liberal quantities of Gore-Tex).
The Look becomes particularly wistful whenever they see a sheep (especially a
Herdwick) |
| The Walk |
Peak baggers can sometimes be identified by the deliberate way they walk. They
appear to be striding out purposefully with their eyes focussed on the distant skyline, even
when they are just headed to the fridge. They also tend to wince in pain with every step
during the summer months as a result of excessive wear and tear on their feet and/or knees. |
| The Image
Maker |
Peak baggers are usually anoraks, devoid of any inherent features of
distinction. They do however tend to gather one outlandish item, which is intended to
establish a personality by default. Why else did God create male facial hair and Indiana Jones
hats? Only road cyclists wear gear with a higher personality-transplant rating (although it
could be argued that MG owners have truly perfected this technique). |
While attempting to determine whether or not someone is a peak bagger, there are some other
signs that you can look for. For instance, the peak bagger:
 |
may mysteriously disappear every weekend. |
|
has really high mileage on the old lease car. |
|
buys hiking boots in May and needs new ones in July. |
|
always seems to have a healthy tan. (Actually the term "healthy tan" is an oxymoron, isn't it?) |
|
has an ungodly knowledge of the times of sunrise and sunset in the hillier parts of the country |
|
studies a map (or any volume written by Wainwright) whilst sat on the toilet |
|
may develop a strange squint from trying to count contour lines (in order to keep “height
gained” column on the List). |
|
knows the difference between a Hewitt and a Marilyn |
Studies also indicate that 4 out of 5 peak baggers prefer trail mix and a water bottle to an ‘a la
carte’ dinner with a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. The more civilised occasionally drink mirky
mixtures with names like Old Shirtlifter.
The cause of Peak Bagging Syndrome is not fully understood at this time. Perhaps it is the
addictive result of exposure to intoxicating views, physical activity, and/or lack of sufficient oxygen
to the brain. Some authorities have suggested that the causes are not so much physiological as
psychological (eg unhappy marriages). There is no known cure at present although help may be
obtained from Exit
A clinical test is being developed to detect sufferers. This studies the subject’s reaction when
faced with the choice between
|
taking an interesting route up a previously climbed mountain; |
|
taking a boring route to a flat, boggy top with no views
but previously unclimbed |
A peak bagger
will normally choose the latter. Some might the first because "it was under
cloud when I did it”; this requires further evaluation as it suggests a crypto-peak
bagger.
|
