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Fantasy Football


It's the fun Euro 2000 game all of the country will be playing!

Simply print out the list of things to watch out for during coverage of the tournament and award yourself points as soon as they happen.

A German player with a mullet? 10 points

Jimmy Hill making an arse of himself? Five points

Shot of field of tulips waving in front of windmill  12 points

Shot of Norwegian fan wearing Viking helmet  8 points

Shot of attractive blonde Swedish female fan  4 points

Ruud Gullit struggling to say something nice about Alan Shearer, who has just scored a hat-trick  37 points

BBC "surprise guest" Jimmy Hill stumbles into studio wearing novelty bow tie  4 points

Shot of Mannekin Pis (Brussels statue of little boy having a wee)  9 points

As above, but with corny voiceover hoping "England don't get caught short tonight"  16 points

Mention of little Dutch boy who put his finger in the dyke  10 points

As above, but accompanied by crude laughter from Ally McCoist  20 points

Studio discussion of "famous Belgians" throws up the names of Hercule Poirot and Plastic Bertrand 18 points

Commentator praises David Beckham "who's matured a lot in the last two years"  7 points

Beckham lashes out at opponent following innocuous challenge  12 points

"Diabolical defending" (A Hansen)  3 points

"Ooh, look at the muck in here" (M Lawrenson)  12 points

Gabby Yorath makes stupid blunder  6 points

Gabby Yorath fails to make stupid blunder  28 points

"People say I'm boring, but the lads know I'm a real joker" (A Shearer)  3 points

Czech/Slovenian/Yugoslavian player with mullet - 1 point 4 points

Rumanian player with newly-bleached locks - 2 points 4 points

Bob Wilson hosting very, very, very late at night highlights show - 14 points 4 points

"I can't quite put my finger on where we went wrong" (K Keegan) - 7 points 4 points

Dennis Wise promises to keep his cool and not let anyone down - 3 points

Wise dismissed for reckless lunge at mascot Benelucky, who had been "looking at me funny" - 19 points 4 points

"Hey, tell you what. Someone says there's a game of football on today. Shall we watch it together?" (D Lynam, intro to England v Germany match)  8 points

England v Germany commentator urging us to "relax - this is a group game so it can't go to penalties"  12 points

On morning of England-Germany game, Alan Ball prattles in the tabloids on about 1966, Sir Alf, Dunkirk spirit, etc  6 points

Sir Geoff Hurst points out that the ball definitely crossed the line because a poacher like Roger Hunt would definitely have followed up if it hadn't  1 point

Peter Schmeichel shouting at Danish defenders  2 points

Clive Tyldesley mentions Manchester United 17 times during first half of game between Belgium and Turkey  13 points

After a chair is broken by England fans in an Eindhoven bar, The Daily Mail calls for the immediate banning of all football immediately 4 points

"They should birch these hooligans, it's the only language they understand" (R Littlejohn)  2 points

Shot of David Baddiel in stands looking smug as crowd sing 'Three Lions'  6 points

Shot of Prince Charles in stands looking uncomfortable at having to watch this soccer lark   3 points

Amanda Holden/Nicole Appleton out of All Saints/Sara Cox ligging at England v Germany match and pretending they've "always been into footy"  23 points

Posh Spice in stands looking adoringly at D Beckham  5 points

Posh Spice in stands eating pie 55 points

Jolly England fans celebrate thrilling 3-2 victory against Portugal y singing meaningless song about the IRA  1 point

Archive shot of Graham Taylor saying "Do I not like that"  3 points

Archive shot of Stuart Pearce scoring his penalty and making "that face"  4 points

"This has got to be the worst game of football I've ever seen" (A Green, Radio Five Live)  2 points

Zinedine Zidane referred to as "ZZ Top" 3 points

Zinedine Zidane referred to as "ZZ Thinning-On-Top" 6 points

"And on the ball now is (insert name of any player from other 15 countries here) who has, of course, been linked with a move to Chelsea"  7 points

Frank Leboeuf points out that he has a World Cup winners' medal  13 points

Tabloids refer to England's first opponents as "the Portuguese men of war"  9 points

Tabloids explain how David Seaman (36), Tony Adams (33), Martin Keown (33)and Paul Ince (33) will demolish an ageing German outfit whose best days are behind them -  7 points

Serious newsman attempting to deliver insert about potential hooliganism at tonight's match with drunken fans waving to camera behind him  11 points

As above, but with harassed newsman telling yobs to "clear off"  22 points

Kevin Phillips mentions that he used to work in a warehouse  14 points

Alan Shearer just happens to let it slip that he is "just a sheet metal worker's son from Newcastle"  25 points

England go out of tournament on penalties  99 points  






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