WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO FORGET ABOUT FANTASY FOOTBALL
the fun Euro 2000 game all of the country will be playing!
Simply print out the
list of things to watch out for during coverage of the tournament and award
yourself points as soon as they happen.
A German player with a mullet? 10 points
Hill making an arse of himself?
of field of tulips waving in front of windmill 12 points
of Norwegian fan wearing Viking helmet 8 points
of attractive blonde Swedish female fan 4 points
Gullit struggling to say something nice about Alan Shearer, who has just scored
a hat-trick 37 points
"surprise guest" Jimmy Hill stumbles into studio wearing novelty bow
tie 4 points
of Mannekin Pis (Brussels statue of little boy having a wee)
above, but with corny voiceover hoping "England don't get caught short
of little Dutch boy who put his finger in the dyke
above, but accompanied by crude laughter from Ally McCoist
discussion of "famous Belgians" throws up the names of Hercule Poirot
and Plastic Bertrand 18
praises David Beckham "who's matured a lot in the last two years"
lashes out at opponent following innocuous challenge
defending" (A Hansen)
look at the muck in here" (M Lawrenson)
Yorath makes stupid blunder
Yorath fails to make stupid blunder
say I'm boring, but the lads know I'm a real joker" (A Shearer)
player with mullet - 1 point
player with newly-bleached locks - 2 points
Wilson hosting very, very, very late at night highlights show - 14 points
can't quite put my finger on where we went wrong" (K Keegan) - 7 points
Wise promises to keep his cool and not let anyone down - 3 points
dismissed for reckless lunge at mascot Benelucky, who had been "looking at
me funny" - 19 points
tell you what. Someone says there's a game of football on today. Shall we watch
it together?" (D Lynam, intro to England v Germany match)
v Germany commentator urging us to "relax - this is a group game so it
can't go to penalties"
morning of England-Germany game, Alan Ball prattles in the tabloids on about
1966, Sir Alf, Dunkirk spirit, etc
Sir Geoff Hurst points out that the ball definitely crossed the line because a poacher like Roger Hunt would definitely have followed up if it hadn't 1 point
Schmeichel shouting at Danish defenders
Tyldesley mentions Manchester United 17 times during first half of game between
Belgium and Turkey 13
a chair is broken by England fans in an Eindhoven bar, The Daily Mail calls for
the immediate banning of all football immediately
should birch these hooligans, it's the only language they understand" (R
of David Baddiel in stands looking smug as crowd sing 'Three Lions'
of Prince Charles in stands looking uncomfortable at having to watch this soccer
Holden/Nicole Appleton out of All Saints/Sara Cox ligging at England v Germany
match and pretending they've "always been into footy"
Spice in stands looking adoringly at D Beckham
Spice in stands eating pie
Jolly England fans celebrate thrilling 3-2 victory against Portugal y singing meaningless song about the IRA 1 point
shot of Graham Taylor saying "Do I not like that"
shot of Stuart Pearce scoring his penalty and making "that face"
has got to be the worst game of football I've ever seen" (A Green, Radio
Five Live) 2
Zidane referred to as "ZZ Top"
Zidane referred to as "ZZ Thinning-On-Top"
"And on the ball now is (insert name of any
player from other 15
Leboeuf points out that he has a World Cup winners' medal
refer to England's first opponents as "the Portuguese men of war"
explain how David Seaman (36), Tony Adams (33), Martin Keown (33)and Paul Ince
(33) will demolish an ageing German outfit whose best days are behind them -
newsman attempting to deliver insert about potential hooliganism at tonight's
match with drunken fans waving to camera behind him
above, but with harassed newsman telling yobs to "clear off"
Phillips mentions that he used to work in a warehouse 14 points
Shearer just happens to let it slip that he is "just a sheet metal worker's
son from Newcastle" 25
go out of tournament on penalties 99